Rise of the Purple Avenger

By: Mike Nov 29, 2016

A couple of days ago I was in a very dark place, and posted when I should probably have just unplugged my keyboard. Wisdom comes slowly to some of us, and I still have much to learn. Mea Culpa.

Calcifer

I'm in a better place today. Still sad, still disappointed in humanity (who could shoot such a beautiful cat?), but the sun is bright, the air is crisp and clean, and this too shall pass. I'm back in my happy place, even if I'm still a little wobbley. We had a huge outpouring of support to my whiny post, and I spent a day reading responses and crying. (Um, yeah, quit snickering and take a note: that's manly crying. You know, the kind where the proud hero sheds a single, crystalline tear for the burden of humanity's collective failings. Not that girly sobbing stuff. Anyone who says differently is lying.) Anyaway, in those posts I've found some truly excellent advice.

It's no secret that I occasionally wrestle with my faith in humanity, and recent events haven't improved my outlook. The problem is that a small percentage of people are rotten, useless, pustulating zits on the buttocks of humanity. They cause a vastly disproportionate amount of pain and suffering. I have often thought that the world would be vastly improved by their absence. But of course, that's impossible, right?

Several of the comments urged me not to despair, to regroup and engage the world with even greater purpose. Good advice, I thought, but how. And then I read the comment that crystallized everything: "Be the change you want to see in the world."

I ruminated for a while about what change I wanted to see. You know what I came up with? I want to vote the bad guys off of my planet; may they go to whatever god will have their shriveled, blackened souls. The need is great, the benefits manifold. It's like the clouds parted and and the universe issued a calling. The world needs, if not a super hero, at least a dedicated janitor. Someone with yellow rubber gloves who's not afraid to take out the trash.

And so is born, the Purple Avenger1. Hey, I have to keep Ann happy or she'll blab my secret identity, and she's on board with anything purple. The idea initially seemed preposterous, but then I looked at it point by point, and it all adds up:

  1. I'm middle-aged, middle-height, slightly balding and overweight. Not your usual muscle-bound lantern-jawed hero. That's perfect because no one will ever suspect me!
  2. I don't have any super powers. While this has been a great disappointment in my life, frankly most of the people I plan to eliminate don't have super powers either. Oh, and they're generally not too smart. When all else fails I can ask them complicated questions and escape while they ponder.
  3. I have a farm, and the soil is so rocky that ground-penetrating radar would would be useless, regardless of what CSI says. I also own two backhoes. I can't say any more without revealing too much of my secret plans.
  4. Finally, and this is a big one, thanks to our earlier research, I have silver bullets. No, I don't expect that the bad guys will be werewolves, but every hero needs a calling card. This is part of my clever plan to deflect suspicion away from me. The authorities will be looking for the Lone Ranger, who long ago trademarked the use of silver bullets. It's genius, pure genius.

And there you have it: Be the Change You Want To See In The World. Great advice. I'm on it 2


  1. Yes, I know the humor is lame. I'm struggling a little, and this is the best I can manage right now. I'm getting better, honest!
  2. Patty caught me trying to sew my super-hero logo to my thermal underwear. She says the costume is lame, and I can't go out to kill bad guys after all. Bogus. It wouldda' been amazing!